I need to work on everything

So I know I've been talking about JR and I not being boyfriend and girlfriend now and that I get that. She's gay and we can't be more than what we have been which is really good friends. I see now and I've explained that I didn't feel we were trying to be more and so has she. I know that makes me sound like an ass but if you think about it. About what I've said and about what she's said I think that's all we really needed at the time and we just kind of wanted it to be more. We tried to be more than just friends but we weren't and if you look at what's been said all throughout you can see that. She never felt that urge and I never pushed ether. Maybe I was just being nice and it's not that I never thought about her like that even once cause I did and we talked about it. We just never moved on it. I just never tried to act on it. I guess in that way I'm like most other guy when we're around girls we're close to. We both have a lot of shit we're going through and just really need people to talk to and that's almost all we ever did was talk. I mean we talked from time to time for hours just laughing and joking and that was great. She comes down here to visit her family but they are having some trouble in how they're getting along. Looking at it this way maybe what we both needed was an escape from it all and that's what we were for each other. The dates got us out of the houses and just gave us some fun things to do and someone who knew what the other was going through to be with. Like I've been saying its been along time since I've had someone to go do things with like that and to just get away from it all with. Yeah that sounds a lot like what being a couple is but it also sounds like what best friends are for and I think that's what we needed then. I think we still do. From her last blog post it sounds like she really needs people to talk to and escape with. I do to and I see that now. That I'm not upset with her and I never really was it was all just to much for me to deal with right then alone and it still is. We've told each other everything that we've been going through and have talked about it throughout our time together so we do both know. I told her when she was telling me she was gay that it had been a really shit day. I didn't tell her why it was just that it was. I didn't tell her about the fight I had just gotten into with my sister that nearly came to blows or the debt my family is in from medical bills and me still not being able to find a job to help pay them with. I didn't tell her about my dads cancer. That the chemo isn't working the way it should. I did say that they stopped it and he was going to need another surgery but not that he was told to get his affairs in order and I had just found out after the fight with my sister. Those are all things I still need to talk to someone about and that's what I've been looking for for the last week since she came out to me. I've been looking for another friend to share these things with. We're both going through really hard times and it's all more than any one person should have to go through alone. If she's willing to talk to me still I think I'm going to try explaining this to her and see if we can't still do this for each other. She really is the closest person I've been to in along time and I still feel she is. I'm working on that and trying to talk to other people but that's just adding to the stresses I'm going through right now. I know that things are bad for us both but that was no reason to put it all on her like I did. I know if things don't start going better or at least improve soon that for me they're only going to get worse. So I need to keep working on building stronger friendships with the people who I thought they were strong with. Well it feels good getting all this off my chest now and I am going to keep trying to work out these friendship thing I have. Both with her and others.