More of a nightmare really

So I had my first dream in a couple week last night. Yes she was there but no it wasn't about her it was about every one. All the people from my life that I ever felt close to or just shared a good time with. They were all there laughing eating and joking having a good time with each other. I was there to but it more greatly reflected my feelings these last weeks. I was there but not a part of it. Every one was talking but to one another not to me. I couldn't talk to them. All I could do is sit and watch as they had there laughs around me. I should have been happy every one was there but when I woke up I was sweating and had that fevered feel of being cold even though it was warm. Maybe that's what I deserve. Not to be cared about. Everyone who's tried I've distanced myself from or gone over board on. Friends family and those I found special. They are there I just don't ask them for the support they are willing to give. I never have. I've never been able to depend or rely on others for support or to come through when I ask them. Never without them leaving when I needed them. My closest friends the ones I used to go and hangout with have all passed away or the ones that haven't have all moved out of state and out of my life these last few years. Not that any of them would have listened to me any better then those I'm talking to now. It's clear from what people keep telling me that they aren't listening to what I'm saying. Those I know could and would won't talk to me or I can't get in touch with them. Perhaps that's why I can't open up to people and form those natural bond that others do. I do try every few years when I think 'they will be the exception' and this is how it ends every time. You think I'd learn. I do this to myself I bring it down on myself and so I guess I deserve to be going through it by myself just like every thing else I've ever done. I really don't have much good to look forward to. More deaths are coming soon sadness and back to being lonely. Just like the last few years. I don't want to go through that again. Not for more years on end but I don't think I can go through loosing a close friend again ether. That is what this is isn't it? That's what it feels like at least and I guess it scares me. Now here I am getting railed on about trying to keep dating JR. Said she read this blog and thinks it's clear that's all I want . No and if she were her friend and talked to her about it then she would know I ask to talk about us being friends. or that her being gay doesn't mean I don't want to have anything to do with her. I'm not like those people who avoid someone for what makes them different or special. That's actually I think what draws me to being there friends is that they ask and listen to what I think makes someone special. Then they tell me what there thoughts are on what they feel makes someone special. I don't want to think I'll never find someone who I can do that with that won't leave in the end but it just keeps happening. They've all in the past started out as good friends tell we tried to be more and failed. I want to still be their friends like we were before we tried more but it all ends the same. What suck is that if we hadn't tried we would have stayed close. We've had so much in common that we could talk about anything at all and have a story to tell. Why do I have to be so stupid. Maybe I'm not supposed to have more than just a friend. That would explain so much to.