My past relationships and some of the other things

So I spent some more time with a friend the other night and talked. I think it's time to go over, like I did with him, my past relationships and some of the other things I said on here. First, sleeping with people both guys and girls. To clarify think spooning for comfort, support and just cause it was needed. It was never out of lust or anything of that nature. I just don't get that way. Maybe I'm this way because I don't go after people or maybe I don't because I'm this way. I'm just not that kind of person. I said I've had sex and it's not that I didn't or don't think I enjoy it as much as I hoped and tried to make sure they do but that's how it is for me. It's like doing something that you can both enjoy just to see that look of happiness and joy on there face. To me that makes me so happy my heart, I think, skips a beat. I don't know if it really does but it feels like it. Any way back on topic. Sex is something I've done when I've loved but its not when I most feel love. No that would be when I hold someone or they let me. I know it's a simple thing but there aren't really many people who would just let me be that close. There have as I've said been people who let me and like I said I've been having to rethink how I feel about that. Those are the moment I enjoy the most that I feel most wanted. However, like I said that can be with just a friend and not out of love for that there is one moment. It may to most not seem like much but to me it's the moment I know you have my heart fully in your grasp and I would do anything you asked of me. It's only happened with three people in my life and I never know how long it'll take in a relationship for it to happen but once it does I'll never feel anything else for you but love and will get that feeling of heart stopping joy at just seeing you happy. That moment is when you stop struggling and return my full affection. Yes there are other times when that may seem like what's happening. We may share our affection in a way that while yes they are special they don't get me past a point of protective caring. Keep in mind I'm not trying to say they do nothing I do like doing things like hand holding, hugs and kisses but there's one thing that I do with no one but someone I think I love and if it happens right, then yes to me it is love. That is when I hold them in my arms and start kissing them  and they start to squirm all over while I'm holding them close. I do this from time to time but it's not until that moment they stop squirming, hold me back and return the kiss that it happens. At that moment to me my feelings for them will never change again. Love is all I will ever feel when I see or think of them, heart stopping chest pounding love. Even if, as they've all done, they leave. I know thinking of them as never more then closer than normal friends is unfair I love them, I always will and there will always be a big place in my heart and life still there for them if they want it back, but if I think of them in any other way it saddens me that they aren't here. Yes as I've said it has happened three time now. How could I love three people and still think of them all with that kind of feeling? Well I didn't know ether tell I met JR and she explained how. It is in a way polyamory and so now knowing and looking back its clearer and I know there's nothing really wrong with still feeling this way about people from your past. Like I said if I saw them again I don't think it would feel like any time had passed. I would still care for them as I  have but that doesn't mean I wouldn't need to get to know them again. I do have respect for a situation and can act as appropriately as they or anyone else can.