I'm the worst kind of person

Well I'm done and I need to change. I was right about it all. She had thought about every thing it was unfair and I was ruining everything. I was hurting her and those she cares about. There's no reason for everyone not to be pissed at me. No reason for them to try to understand. Even after hurting her she still helps me realize things. She is right and I've said that to her often since I met her. She was also wrong in a few of the nicest things she or anyone has ever said to me. I've told her that to. She said I was a great guy in so many ways but I'm not and when that was who she needed me to be I wasn't. I new that but I think I needed to see that for myself. I read her blog and yes it was as I thought I hurt her. Man what a guy right. Sweetest girl in the world and she had to meet me. I AM A BASTARD. I never looked at or sew what I did as such but I do now and it makes me sick. She's better off seeing it that way to. Not knowing things. God I'm still doing it to. Still not telling her the truth. They're all here for anyone to read. The truths, excuses all of it. They make no difference anyway they don't change what's been done. She is still amazing but she doesn't deserve a piece of shit like me in her life. No one does. Not like I am right now. My life has always been an act just doing what I though other people wanted. They and I both thought I wasn't to bad. Doing things for others before myself. It was just an act though just like what I've been doing these last couple weeks. Every word out of my mouth has been a lie. true or not how I said it was what made it a lie. I've even said it here "I do have respect for a situation and can act as appropriately as they or anyone else can." It's all an act and nobody deserves to have to take part in it. I'm a worthless bastard and every one should know it. At least someone does now. Maybe they all do and that's why I can't get closer to them. I've hurt in one way or another every one I've ever even said I cared about. They might never have known or ever know it but I do and I see that now. I've been making excuses about how I've been acting. I've been selfish and hurtful in all of it. I don't deserve the luxury of excuses. Even killing myself was just going to be another selfish thing. I don't deserve it that easy. I don't deserve to have people care if I die or kill myself. Not right now after how I've been. I see that now and that choice is just to good for what I've done to every one I cared about. It's time to start acting again. To be the person every one though that I was. Maybe then I will deserve some of what I've been given. I can't even be hurt about it cause it's all true. What she and everyone has said. What I've said here even backs them up. I know I've said I was a hypocrite and an ass but I'm worse than that. I'm what even I have come to hate. There is only one thing in this world I truly hate and I can see it in myself right now. I'm a lie.