word voming my realization

okay this is the fourth time I've tried to write this but its just not coming out right I keep trying to explain it in this way and that and not make it sound mean I know I've already hurt her. I know she knows I don't mean it to be and I'll explain it in detail later but for now I'm doing something I learned from her called word vomiting it's writing with no going back and editing thing. It's hard for me cause I'm used to thinking about everything before I say anything but lets get straight to point and that is the question that lead to the realization for me. were we ever really more than special friends? I know, I said I know that that would sound like I'm being an ass but I don't mean it like that. I'm saying when I look at it now as special as that time was and is to me as amazing and wonderful as she is that when I look back I can see where the line was drawn for the both of us. looking at it like that put forth a lot of thoughts and those are what I talked with a friend about yesterday. we went to dinner and talked for hours and by the end of it we had it figured out for the most part. the thoughts are going to be ready for reading in a few days so I hope if anyone reads this they know what she and I really did the months we were together. this is really just to say that it's the talking I miss I still care the same and its the loss of the closest person I've been to in a long time that's hard but not talking is what has been hardest if this makes any sense If not I'll explain it better later but I have to go again now just said I would finish writing this first