At first I thought I was just worried because I care for her. I am and I do, but that wasn't all. I think I'm feeling depressed at the moment. I'm able to realize that and have been able to since she and I talked on the phone a few nights ago. It's getting better and the phone call really helped. It started me working it out. I'm still checking in on her, and I know that's something a lot of people see as a bad thing I feel differently though. The reason they give is that it's what leads to the depression and darker thoughts. To be honest knowing she has a world of support and is happy is the only thing shining a light in those corners and keeping all that bad dark stuff away. Any way that's what's helping me and I'm sure I'll have more to say on it later.
The 'end' really started a few days before those thoughts or any of this, with my girlfriend coming out to me as wholly gay. No I didn't turn a straight girl gay. I just happen to be one of the people dating her when she realized she couldn't be THAT way with a guy. Yes, you read right one, of two. She has a girlfriend, and they have been together since well before she and I. They still are to. Yes I knew before the two of us started dating. So no it's really and truly not her fault or any ones I'm feeling this way. It did came as more of a shock than I thought it would have. After all, I knew this was possible right? For the first few hours I was taking it okay trying to be understanding. It was a good hour long supportive and understanding exchange before I said I just had to stop for now and we said okay but we would keep talking tomorrow.
I really wish I had stopped there and had called someone and said what I'm saying now but couldn't. The relationships I have with my friends isn't really normal but I'll talk about that later. I tried to say it to my family but I just couldn't. I didn't talk at all and instead just kept going over every thing we had ever said and done in my head. From the last few days of camp on how we were feeling or going to talk and just going to go about it. To all the time we'd been spending together over how we had been acting and then finally the few hours after hearing it was over before I had started having these thoughts. Just over and over. I was shocked and confused. I didn't sleep that night I just spent the whole time thinking. I started obsessing on things that were said. They weren't mean things, but they were giving me a sense of being betrayed, lied to and cheated.This persisted tell I broke down early the next morning and sent some messages to her, and even one to her girlfriend. Her girlfriend and I have only talked a little and aren't really close at all or anything but like I said I was confused, obsessed and it was getting to me. I was asking her to rethink it to try some more and down right begging to talk about it before ending it.
It was unfair, hurtful and exactly what I said I wouldn't do when she told me. I can see that now but it's to late what I've done is done. Well it was another night and two days without sleep but we did end up talking. I had tried again to talk to the family but every time I tried it felt like I was having a panic attack. The talk with her on the other hand didn't even choke me up. It helped more than anything else had or has. Aside from not being able to focus likely do to the near 70 hours awake, it was good and by the end she had even gotten me laughing a bit about how I was feeling. It was a lot like before another hour or so long, supportive and understanding exchange.
The first thing we talked about was if she had read or thought about the messages I had sent and why we weren't talking. She told me what ever I sent or send she'd gotten/gets, but that she needed time and just couldn't think of what to say back or keep talking to me about it yet. I thought I understood. I was wrong and since then have only made things worse. Next we talked about why she hadn't talked to me like we had agreed to do in the beginning. Like she had been blogging we were. That if she or I were having doubts about us and staying together we would tell the other talk it out and go from there. I asked why wasn't she willing to talk about it even now. like I said making things worse. We had been talking and I had been reading her blog while we were dating but there was nothing about anything like this. Well her answer makes sense to me and she was and is right. I'm still really confused and have a lot of questions. Not about getting back together but about what to do now.
Hmm I believe this is a good start. Hell I'm smiling and about ready to laughing a little right now and I'm not sure why. Saying it's made a difference I guess. Tell next time thank you friends or whoever for listening.
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