So it's been about five and a half years tell now since my last
relationship ended. I just got out of a six month Polyamorous
relationship with a girl we'll call JR. It's really that I'm never upset
with her or anyone about it and I don't know why. I'm just being left
really confused. When we met I fell for her hard I thought and still
think she's an awesome girl is that normal? After getting to know her
and become good friends I found out (without her knowledge) through a
friend of mine that she had a girlfriend and so of course thought she
was just gay. This was and is fine with me I just stopped thinking we
could be anything but friends like we had been. I didn't confront her
about this or anything if she wanted me to know she would tell me and
she did. Well after a few more weeks of an absolutely amazing friendship
she came out to me, but not as gay, rather more Polyamorous
Demi-Pansexual and with
feelings for me. This is were I start getting confused. Now I had always
and at that time thought of myself as your run of the mill open minded
non judgmental Heterosexual male. Looking back at how awkwardly close
I've been with people though both male and female. Including showering
together and even sleeping with them when asked. Not sex just
comfortable sleeping. I'm not so sure any more and am kind of needing to
talk about that as I'm now having to think 'something has to be wrong
with that'. I'm not a virgin and my last girlfriend after knowing each
other for a few years and a little over a year of dating did become
sexually active. Back to JR now she at the time was a 'Polyamorous
Demi-Pansexual'. After six month of dating she called it off siting that she
was, in fact, gay. While she said she liked all the fun we had and how
comfortable we were she could just never see us moving forward. Also that
she didn't want me to miss the chance to find something better for myself just because she was in the picture. She knows it took five
years to meet her how can she think that? Or that I could have found
someone else I even might of liked in six months? We had talked about
sex and if it EVER happened it would be up to, and as much for, her. That
nothing makes me happier than just being near and seeing the people I
love happy. I just feel everything I've said to her the last eight
months has been thrown out the window. So here it is the four questions
I'm left asking. Why can't/aren't I mad or upset with her for any of this? If this is what it's like to love some one why bother with the
thoughts of it being more? On the note of rethinking my sexuality which the topic of sexuality was one thing she and I talked about a lot am I biromantic-Asexual?
Finally why can't she talk to me about any of this?
She probably feels like you won't fully understand HER. She's not taking into consideration your feelings. She could just really like someone else and needed a way out of the ratio ship with you. I think it doesn't bother you because you cared so much for her as a friend maybe loved the friendship but maybe deep down you knew it might not have worked out. Everything happens for a reason. There will come a time where you will discover who you truy are. The same way. I'm very down to earth and I never get upset over things like that. Sad but not upset. I think when we realize things, we just know ahead of time so we brace ourselves and protects ourselves. It happens. It's not a bad thing. You could also just be more worried about the friendship than the relationship. Hope this helps if not then http://www.supportgroups.com/ there are people to talk to.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the try but no not much help. Like I said it was polyamorous. She does have and has had a girlfriend from the start. We know/knew about and have even met/talked with each other about how we all felt about there being three of us or even more in the relationship. She's a great girl to and we all agreed we were each happy we found each other for the reason that we do all understand and I thought that so rare for people. If I'm wrong and it is that she doesn't think I can see her side then we talked about that before we started and agreed to talk things out before all involved decided how things would go on. Or not. That was a big deal before we started was agreeing to have open honest communication. She has a blog and I do keep up with it. To me and the way she talked/seemed about it then, it seemed we were all still very happy just as things were. If we enjoyed it then what's going on? We had talked about more or moving forward months ago but we weren't ready then and wouldn't be for a long while. We then agreed we'd talk about it again if we ever thought we were. That's why I don't know why she can't/won't talk with me before just pulling out of things all together. I'm just so confused.
DeleteHi, Lee Im a lil older and may give this a different slant. U asked 4 questions, 1. Why arent u mad or upset? - U said u fell "hard"
ReplyDeletemaybe u loved her so much that u just wanted what was best for her.
2.If this is what love is why bother? There was a song out years ago, called "Love Stinks" thats the why bother. True Love is the Greatest feeling in the world!, How did u feel when u were with her? 3. What is biromantic- Asexual? 4. People are different " extrovert-Introvert" some girls blab, and some dont talk unless really prompted, depends on her upbringing too, and if she is young, maybe she is just discovering what she feels, and isin't sure. hope this helps
#1. That was what my thinking of why I can't be angry about something that should be killing me. #2/3. I do love her. The time I've spent with her has been wonderful. When we were together all we could do is laugh, smile and be happy so I don't really understand this. I went to see her at her collage, that's also when I met/talked with her girlfriend in person. the last night there we were in her room in her bed. She started dozing and after some snuggling she kissed me curled up to me and fell asleep in my arms. At that moment I realized I loved and would do anything to see her so happy. That is part of the biromantic thing. The other is this happens rather often with both guys and girls and it makes me very happy to be there with them like this. The Asexual part is that even feeling and being this close to someone I don't think of it or them sexually. I was a sexual partner for to my first real girlfriend and while I was not apposed to the act when she wanted and asked it, I didn't find it or thinking of it arousing or gratifying in the way everyone says it should be. The only thing that allowed it was how happy she seemed about and throughout it. That was near six years ago. Now after all the talking and with how I feel about/with JR I'm trying to figure out if there's a reason why even with someone I love it doesn't appeal to me as it should. It has me wondering if I am gay or bi or I don't know Ijust never thought to try anything with others before. #4. We did talk both before and while being together. We spent hours a day as friends just talk then as a couple we would curl up together with her in my arms or even just near and the talks could last three to five hours straight and now, nothing at all. Even after saying we would. We've never been to busy to even just not say hello but now it's been over two week without even a few words or sent texts from her. I do want her to be happy and I'm just confused by this all now.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are 'in the thick of it', it is harder to remember to step back and be patient. Break down if you need to. Just remember not to lose yourself to your emotions or to not loose faith. every life and relationship has their ups and their downs. It is hard to remember that a not so geat moment isnt forever, and it doesnt define your life or relationship as a whole.
ReplyDeleteI see from reading your blog, and Jasmins as well, you are dedicated, loving and caring, even if times can be rough. As much as you share the not so great moments, find the desire to share the great moments. Those in your life who love you do not judge you Jasmin, even if they dont get it at that moment. They will understand and be there for you, They make you laugh and feel happy. You are very loved and very supported.
you have to let go of the past. Although there are sad moments that have occured in your life and relationships, dont play the role of victim not even to circumstance. You chose to be with each other and love. As much as anything remember THAT in the future. But also love yourself and remember that is why we keep on moving forward with our lives. Be proud that you are doing it. That you are going through it through the stress you will be stronger for it. At times we all seem to fumble, to act blindly, selfishly or speak and act in frustration. As humans we dont have a handbook. Instead we have each other, our faults, our strengths and our passion for life and for each other. It doesnt always feel great, but the fact that it keeps moving forward is beautiful. I dont remember who said it but "life its self is a love story be happy to have a lead role in it and to have each other and others as co-stars".
I appreciate you allowing me to share what I see as the good, the bad and the ugly of it all. Good luck with everything and keep growing.
Dude, no one probably has told you this but you're whining. You used JR's blog as a way to get attention and you aren't listening to what she's saying. It is obvious in your blog. JR said she needed space and time and oh, that she was GAY as soon as she was sure of it she TOLD YOU. If you're going to accuse her of lying then why the hell didn't you think that it wasn't lying when you didn't tell her that you were demisexual. Get off of your pitty party horse. It's great that you want to get your emotions out, but 1. to do it on JR's blog just shows that you're desperate and 2. it is highly rude to take over someone's blog (JR's) to get attention. And here's another idea, get your shit together. Stop dating, be introspective and figure out who you are. You won't get anyone who is right for you until you do. Also, getting so desperate that you won't leave her alone is really making you look like a creeper, so you MIGHT want to back off and take a chill pill. Besides, if you really cared about her, you wouldn't be stressing her AND her friends out. And I swear to God Almighty that if this doesn't get through your thick skull that you really need to find a licensed professional therapist to help you because you will keep messing things up for yourself and other people if you can't get your shit together. Trust me on this. I've had to do it myself recently. It isn't easy and it takes a while, but it's worth it. So get your head out of your ass, put your big boy briefs on and take care of you and your mental health before you do something more stupid than trying to get together with a lesbian. We all know that if we're being completely honest, it's a really misogynistic idea that you can date a lesbian and for her to think it is completely normal AND that you can guilt trip her into taking you back. That's just bullshit. So you go be you elsewhere and leave her alone. Capiche?
ReplyDeleteThank you. I did needed something else to think about. Now if only it all hadn't crossed my mind already. I've also talked to her about it and taken to finding help. As for the lying I don't see her being gay as not being honest the not talking like we agreed in the beginning as hard to swallow. The demisexual part she pointed out to me when we talked about it. I didn't even know that's what it was tell she explained. As for the blog yes it was for attention. I was at a bad place with everything that happened that week. I was thinking before I met her of doing something stupid. I told her when we talked I am thinking of doing something stupid but that won't be anyone's fault but my own. It has been about six years since I last tried dating and I thought I had found what was right. It's over with she and I and as pointed out she is gay so no, no amount of guilt is going to change that. What I'm trying to do is talk to the person who for eight months kept me from thinking of doing that something stupid I keep pointing out. I have talked to help but even with everything taken into consideration it still sounds like a rational thought.
ReplyDeleteOh and the whining that's true. Though why shouldn't I? The day started with all the family vehicles going an the fritz then a call saying the jobs I had interviewed for were a no. Bills we can't pay came in for the mortgage and medical. Big family fight turns out sis is pregnant again. Dad got back from the doctors and has been told to get his affairs in order and start saying his good byes so yes after talking with her I snapped and now I'm desperate and I'm whining and damn it talking to her is the only thing that makes it stop. She even got me laughing and smiling and sleeping for a couple days.
ReplyDelete