Thoughts about my sexuality as an observer

Well eight months since I met JR and it's been an amazing time for thinking and growing. I guess this post will be about the very long thoughts and talks I've had on sexuality since I met JR and even more thinking since she ended it. So I'll come right out and say it I'm a Polyamorous Dimisexual at the least. I'm also, after a lot of thinking, looking at whether I could be Polysexual or am still as I've always thought Heterosexual but you'll see why I'm asking myself that soon. First I've really been thinking about this Polyamory thing since I met JR she at the time related as a polyamorous dimi-pansexual but is now Homosexual and figuring out the rest. It kind of started for me when she asked how I felt about dating her and her having a girlfriend. Well I knew she had the girlfriend so hadn't thought of trying anything out after that. Well I've been in a polyamorous relationship with her for the past six months and I've loved every second of it, but first Dimi. I had to look at the way I've been, not just in the time I've spent with JR but for about, the last fifteen or so years. It makes perfect sense to me and makes thing both about the past very clear and the future a little gray. I'm going to have to wait and see if I'm more Biromanticl and/or Asexual just okay with being in a polyamorous relationship for the right person or keep it simple as poly-dimi. I've been in a Polyamorous relationship for the last six months and I've absolutely loved it so there's that. Now for polyamorous. To state this is what I think of as a Polyamorous relationship. Now I was really thinking I could have been really happy like that but it's over and it sucks we can't even really talk, but I was an ass at the end so I'll have to work on that. I'm more sure now than I ever was during the relationship that I'm Polyamorous. Now first I need to tell my thinking about this. I wasn't really sure I was tell about a month ago when I went up to see JR at her school. I met her girlfriend and saw how they acted with each other and saw the love they felt for each other and it made me so happy. I've known they were a couple and did more than just what I'd see but it made me happy and still does knowing that even when I wasn't around for her JR had someone like that. I had told her that and was ready to tell her that I was sure I was Polyamorous Dimisexual. I was sure and ready to say so but I never could get the nerve. Just kept telling myself it doesn't matter. I had never been in a relationship like this and was afraid of saying something to change it. Then she ended it. I thought about telling her then but I was still thinking about whether I could be what she wanted or not. I did know beyond a doubt I was just scared of changing things. I'm still working on polysexual or heterosexual. The first person I told a couple days ago laughed their ass off. Nearly got it kicked to if they hadn't said that they were just laughing because it made sense and they understood. It was also over the phone so yeah. I didn't think being Poly or Dimi really mattered tell after going to see JR at her collage. I so rarely meet one person I feel like this about how could there really be more than one in such a short time? Then I met some of the Hollins girls and they were all so nice and fun and had so much to talk about. If there really other people as much fun to be around as JR then well who knows? It was like being around all the guys from camp with the laughing and joking and talking about anything but when they talked about this stuff they meant it. So does it really change anything about me? Not really. Looking back it's how I've always been and now I can work on things with it in mind. If there is more than one person at a time are they okay with it? Or if I just want to be close to a person or some people in a non sexual way and every one is happy does it matter? That's the question I've been thinking about and the one I'll have to ask if I ever want to have a more intimate relationship in the future. Since I met JR it just makes my life less confusing and caring or being close easier. Thinking that was how we were and we were all happy made my heart sing. It also made me start thinking about whether there where other things I should be thinking about like the Heterosexual thing. I think I could be I don't know if I am I've only ever thought about sex as something I would do with a girl. I have gay and bi friends and over the years they have been some of the most open and fun to be around. I guess that's one thing I'll be needing to keep thinking about. When I talk about it with my friends.


Now to explain some of what I've been thinking about since this with JR and I ended.

JR was very open when talking about sexuality and every thing else. We covered so many topics and were so open with each other from the very beginning. I think that had something to do with why we tried dating. Here's the first thing. So long as you don't act like an absolute ass the first time I meet you or to someone I already think of as a friend, then the odds are I won't dislike you. If that happens then I'll keep talking with you and then you have gained a long lasting friend. I will talk with you if you're around plus help and be there for you if you need it no matter what it is. If I can I will. If you aren't my friend though and you hurt one I will take your head off and I won't give a damn who you think you are. I'm a very protective person not possessive just protective. This is well known to those who have known me long enough to see it tested.


So to me why does knowing I'm Poly-Dimi matter if it doesn't change me or my relationship(s)? Well truth be told I don't think it does change my relationship(s) much. I'm going to be working on building my friendships over the next year so I'll be keeping this in mind as I do. If it does then it's, I hope, that it makes it easier to be respectful and caring for the people I look at as close. On the other hand though it means that maybe finding that life long relationship every one is looking for will be fuzzy.

Well looking back and thinking about my life really made it easy to see. All the pieces fell into place all the things I've see, done and felt.

Yeah but how can you really be sure you're Poly-dimi?
 
Well aside from the six month relationship. There's the past 20 years of my life I've been thinking about. There's my outlook on other people and their bodies, sex, relationships , attraction, porn, masturbation, the fact I can be intimate both in an emotional and sensual way with others without it changing the way I feel about them or them me. I don't care about sex. It's something I was never really uncomfortable talking about and has always been a popular topic with both JR and my friends. Yes I've had it but it's not something I can see myself just going out and doing with anyone. I've only done it a few time but it was always completely out of love and respect for each other as a couple. It's not something I would ever force on or demand from a relationship of any kind. Also I've slept with both guys and girls, not had sex with but slept with and held when they asked or needed for it. It also never changes things. I've told JR a few of these stories and we laughed at some of these things and the trouble it could've gotten me into. I'll tell more one this later. That's a big part of being my friend. If you earn that friendship it means I'm always going to be there for you. It doesn't matter if we don't see or talk for a few days or for years I'll still be there just as it was. If I took a shine to you years ago then stopped talking and we never saw each other again tell now I would still walk up and give you a hug. This is what I've been trying to do these last few days is reconnect. Just being there is a big part of being my friend. I'll be there for anything you need if I can be. Be it a fight, help moving, some one to talk to or someone to rub your back while you cry or hold you while you sleep anything I can anyway it's needed. That friendship earns you almost anything you need from me no matter how weird it may seem to any one else. I didn't think there was anything out of the normal with it tell now. I think that's what really lead to the oddly close but still distant friendship things I have and am working on changing, and to all these thoughts I've been having. I've said it to friends before "I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't feel things the way every one else does". I really didn't. Not tell I met JR. I don't judge or discriminate, if I don't dislike you you're my friend that's all I'll see and that's what you get. Be you guy, girl, gay, straight, bi, black, white, young, old, scared, disfigured, thin, thick, tall, short the perfect nerd, the perfect athlete or any other way you may see yourself. I only started thinking about this as my sexuality after meeting JR. It's one of the things we talked about when we were still just friends out at camp and while we were dating. I am a Polyamorous Dimisexual and I can be close to anyone I feel comfortable with.