I just want to leave it all behind.

I'm just so tired of all this. All I'm getting in regards to trying to talk to any one about anything is shit. I don't often need anyone but I'm tired of being like this. I've been this way for years and I hate it. I try going out getting to know people. I try and I try and I try. What the fuck is the point? All I'm good for is making other people happy for a while then when it comes to me fuck it. Not that anyone cares I just want someone to talk with. Someone to spend a few minutes talking with and to understand. Am I asking to much? I tried talking to people, friends, family anyone I thought would be there when I needed them and you know what I got. "Quit bitching," "Get your shit together," "Suck it up,". Great talk right. No your not alone we care . That's coming from the same people. Making others happy makes me happy but knowing nobody else gives a shit in return. I just want away. I've said life would be easier if I didn't care, if I were an asshole. Well every one already thinks I am so what the hell's left? I don't know if I can go through years of this again. I'm trying but there is no one here to help me. I'm trying to get away or find other ways to get by but I can't do it alone and I don't want to. I say that and others say I have 'issues'. I say that and I'm seen as worthless. Hell I agree, if all I'm good for is making others happy and being treated like trash after then what am I worth? I've been thinking again and I can't stop. I want to get away and be happy but all I get is screwed over. I'm so fucking tired of going through this. I know what I sound like but can anyone say I'm wrong? The people I love and care about the ones who say they love and care for me back act like this and I can't get away. I'm trying again to get away but if I can't I don't know what else to do.

Peope really don't listen.

So I was having a pretty good day things were looking up. The dad had another doctor consult and they have a new plan that they say has a CHANCE of giving him more time. I go in tomorrow to do some paper work for the Marines.  I'm starting to get out more I had a good day so was trying to figure out what every one's up to, to make plans. I made a few calls got some "maybe let me call you back". Okay I got some time. I got online checked out facebook, hit the support groups site. Then did something I haven't done in a few days. I checked her blog. Well that shot the day to hell. I feel like a bastard all over again. She's such a sweet girl and I. I hurt her and almost cost her so much. I didn't think before I did things like I should have, and it tares me apart knowing I hurt her. I just want to say how sorry I am so bad but that would just make things worse. On top of all that some one from the support group has been telling her things. She in turn got worried and told a family member of mine. That is not why I went to the support group damn it. I didn't want them to worry. No body fucking listens to me. Does no one get that, that is what I hate. It's what I hate about myself right now and what I am trying to change. Saying one thing, hearing it and still, doing what ever the hell they want or think is best. I did it and hurt her. I know this and I'm trying to change. I stopped bugging her and I'm trying to leave others out of this shit it's mine to deal with now. I should never have tried to find help. Now everyone I didn't want to know knows and fuck I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. I'm better I have other things to do now I'm working things out I'm moving on and then this. This one really is everyone not listening. I thought I was just being a kind of normal guy thinking people aren't listening but I said "I don't want them knowing so they wont worry." This is just not what I was hoping for when I tried to get help and talk to people.

I'm the worst kind of person

Well I'm done and I need to change. I was right about it all. She had thought about every thing it was unfair and I was ruining everything. I was hurting her and those she cares about. There's no reason for everyone not to be pissed at me. No reason for them to try to understand. Even after hurting her she still helps me realize things. She is right and I've said that to her often since I met her. She was also wrong in a few of the nicest things she or anyone has ever said to me. I've told her that to. She said I was a great guy in so many ways but I'm not and when that was who she needed me to be I wasn't. I new that but I think I needed to see that for myself. I read her blog and yes it was as I thought I hurt her. Man what a guy right. Sweetest girl in the world and she had to meet me. I AM A BASTARD. I never looked at or sew what I did as such but I do now and it makes me sick. She's better off seeing it that way to. Not knowing things. God I'm still doing it to. Still not telling her the truth. They're all here for anyone to read. The truths, excuses all of it. They make no difference anyway they don't change what's been done. She is still amazing but she doesn't deserve a piece of shit like me in her life. No one does. Not like I am right now. My life has always been an act just doing what I though other people wanted. They and I both thought I wasn't to bad. Doing things for others before myself. It was just an act though just like what I've been doing these last couple weeks. Every word out of my mouth has been a lie. true or not how I said it was what made it a lie. I've even said it here "I do have respect for a situation and can act as appropriately as they or anyone else can." It's all an act and nobody deserves to have to take part in it. I'm a worthless bastard and every one should know it. At least someone does now. Maybe they all do and that's why I can't get closer to them. I've hurt in one way or another every one I've ever even said I cared about. They might never have known or ever know it but I do and I see that now. I've been making excuses about how I've been acting. I've been selfish and hurtful in all of it. I don't deserve the luxury of excuses. Even killing myself was just going to be another selfish thing. I don't deserve it that easy. I don't deserve to have people care if I die or kill myself. Not right now after how I've been. I see that now and that choice is just to good for what I've done to every one I cared about. It's time to start acting again. To be the person every one though that I was. Maybe then I will deserve some of what I've been given. I can't even be hurt about it cause it's all true. What she and everyone has said. What I've said here even backs them up. I know I've said I was a hypocrite and an ass but I'm worse than that. I'm what even I have come to hate. There is only one thing in this world I truly hate and I can see it in myself right now. I'm a lie.

More of a nightmare really

So I had my first dream in a couple week last night. Yes she was there but no it wasn't about her it was about every one. All the people from my life that I ever felt close to or just shared a good time with. They were all there laughing eating and joking having a good time with each other. I was there to but it more greatly reflected my feelings these last weeks. I was there but not a part of it. Every one was talking but to one another not to me. I couldn't talk to them. All I could do is sit and watch as they had there laughs around me. I should have been happy every one was there but when I woke up I was sweating and had that fevered feel of being cold even though it was warm. Maybe that's what I deserve. Not to be cared about. Everyone who's tried I've distanced myself from or gone over board on. Friends family and those I found special. They are there I just don't ask them for the support they are willing to give. I never have. I've never been able to depend or rely on others for support or to come through when I ask them. Never without them leaving when I needed them. My closest friends the ones I used to go and hangout with have all passed away or the ones that haven't have all moved out of state and out of my life these last few years. Not that any of them would have listened to me any better then those I'm talking to now. It's clear from what people keep telling me that they aren't listening to what I'm saying. Those I know could and would won't talk to me or I can't get in touch with them. Perhaps that's why I can't open up to people and form those natural bond that others do. I do try every few years when I think 'they will be the exception' and this is how it ends every time. You think I'd learn. I do this to myself I bring it down on myself and so I guess I deserve to be going through it by myself just like every thing else I've ever done. I really don't have much good to look forward to. More deaths are coming soon sadness and back to being lonely. Just like the last few years. I don't want to go through that again. Not for more years on end but I don't think I can go through loosing a close friend again ether. That is what this is isn't it? That's what it feels like at least and I guess it scares me. Now here I am getting railed on about trying to keep dating JR. Said she read this blog and thinks it's clear that's all I want . No and if she were her friend and talked to her about it then she would know I ask to talk about us being friends. or that her being gay doesn't mean I don't want to have anything to do with her. I'm not like those people who avoid someone for what makes them different or special. That's actually I think what draws me to being there friends is that they ask and listen to what I think makes someone special. Then they tell me what there thoughts are on what they feel makes someone special. I don't want to think I'll never find someone who I can do that with that won't leave in the end but it just keeps happening. They've all in the past started out as good friends tell we tried to be more and failed. I want to still be their friends like we were before we tried more but it all ends the same. What suck is that if we hadn't tried we would have stayed close. We've had so much in common that we could talk about anything at all and have a story to tell. Why do I have to be so stupid. Maybe I'm not supposed to have more than just a friend. That would explain so much to.

So I said what I've said here in the support group and heard back pretty quickly. That while I'm not going about it wrong just to quickly for others to understand it. I do hear what people are saying and that I am hurting the people I'm trying to turn to for help. I think some of what was said makes sense. I do want to deal with everything all at the same time but others can't do it that way. So some of it I need to put on hold while I work through others now. Things I can work on now are getting all the cars back in good running order finding a job talking about the darker thoughts and helping with being there for the family. I get this and I'll try it this way. I do really want to stay friends and go back to talking about things like I had been and I hope JR comes around to being ready sooner rather than later but she doesn't see things like I do so needs more time and space before that can happen. She'll be there when we are both ready. The family issues, the bill and saying good bye can wait a little longer to. I do have a lot to do and deal with I just need to do things in a different order and at different times so others can help when they are ready as well.

I'm just going in circles.

Okay the whole spread it out thing isn't working. Her friend just got on saying I said she lied to me. No she didn't it was just in that moment that I focused in not having talked about it. THAT is what I said and told her. That I'm guilt tripping her. We aren't going to be a couple ever again I get that I'm asking for someone to talk with. This is the shit I'm NOT sending to her I've been trying to deal with it. To deal with each problem in the area of my life it affects that's not working. So lets try putting it all in one place so people don't give me shit over why I'm taking things hard. It really did all happen at once and that breaking point of mine people have been waiting to see was hit in one day. The first was car troubles then the call about not getting the jobs. Then came the bills in the mail and a fight with the family and finding out sis was pregnant again. The parents got home and announced the chemo isn't working time to start the good byes and of course what I've been talking about here most JR. I was about to try to talk to her when she said she had been having a rough day to I wanted to hear her so it wouldn't sound so be after mine but then well you know the story now. So really how much is one person supposed to take? I'm trying to deal and not throw it all in peoples faces. The easy one to fix are vehicles. I'm keeping the cars going but I'm not a mechanic. I'm just the only one in the family that knows how to work on them. Then the jobs. I'm filling out applications and trying to get interviews. Now the girl troubles. I'm trying to work out any hard feelings so everyone can stop thinking about them like I'm trying to get back together and can move to the next issue but that's not happening. Then the family things I'm working on with the family trying to be with them through it all and to say my good byes but the thoughts of just giving up are still there. I was told after my pleas for attention to try getting help and I have. They say to try writing like a blog or something then working through each issue one at a time with those involved and that's what I've been trying to do but no one involved wants to talk about any of it. With the family they're going through it to so don't want to hear about my issues. Friends have helped some but they've never had all this shit at once so when I break down and spill the just say talk to so and so or yeah you got issues find someone and somewhere else to deal with them. JR is getting stressed out with my wanting to talk and her friend says I'm trying to guilt trip her. No I really was just trying to talk with a friend who has helped keep this all at bay as it came tell now. The suicide support group and this blog are the only places I can get this out and get anything back good or bad. No one seems to see I am trying no one wants to listen and it's because one by one these problem aren't so bad but they didn't come one at a time. I'm reaching but this is all I'm finding this blog and the group and that's not enough. I can't get one on one help. There's non around out here and what's in the nearest city I can't pay for. Why can't anyone listen and talk with me. I'm just going in circles and everyone just keeps say the same thing. Deal with it yourself somewhere else cause we can't, so we don't want to hear about it.

I'm so confused.

So it's been about five and a half years tell now since my last relationship ended. I just got out of a six month Polyamorous relationship with a girl we'll call JR. It's really that I'm never upset with her or anyone about it and I don't know why. I'm just being left really confused. When we met I fell for her hard I thought and still think she's an awesome girl is that normal? After getting to know her and become good friends I found out (without her knowledge) through a friend of mine that she had a girlfriend and so of course thought she was just gay. This was and is fine with me I just stopped thinking we could be anything but friends like we had been. I didn't confront her about this or anything if she wanted me to know she would tell me and she did. Well after a few more weeks of an absolutely amazing friendship she came out to me, but not as gay, rather more Polyamorous Demi-Pansexual and with feelings for me. This is were I start getting confused. Now I had always and at that time thought of myself as your run of the mill open minded non judgmental Heterosexual male. Looking back at how awkwardly close I've been with people though both male and female. Including showering together and even sleeping with them when asked. Not sex just comfortable sleeping. I'm not so sure any more and am kind of needing to talk about that as I'm now having to think 'something has to be wrong with that'. I'm not a virgin and my last girlfriend after knowing each other for a few years and a little over a year of dating did become sexually active. Back to JR now she at the time was a 'Polyamorous Demi-Pansexual'. After six month of dating she called it off siting that she was, in fact, gay. While she said she liked all the fun we had and how comfortable we were she could just never see us moving forward. Also that she didn't want me to miss the chance to find something better for myself just because she was in the picture. She knows it took five years to meet her how can she think that? Or that I could have found someone else I even might of liked in six months? We had talked about sex and if it EVER happened it would be up to, and as much for, her. That nothing makes me happier than just being near and seeing the people I love happy. I just feel everything I've said to her the last eight months has been thrown out the window. So here it is the four questions I'm left asking. Why can't/aren't I mad or upset with her for any of this? If this is what it's like to love some one why bother with the thoughts of it being more? On the note of rethinking my sexuality which the topic of sexuality was one thing she and I talked about a lot am I biromantic-Asexual? Finally why can't she talk to me about any of this?

My past relationships and some of the other things

So I spent some more time with a friend the other night and talked. I think it's time to go over, like I did with him, my past relationships and some of the other things I said on here. First, sleeping with people both guys and girls. To clarify think spooning for comfort, support and just cause it was needed. It was never out of lust or anything of that nature. I just don't get that way. Maybe I'm this way because I don't go after people or maybe I don't because I'm this way. I'm just not that kind of person. I said I've had sex and it's not that I didn't or don't think I enjoy it as much as I hoped and tried to make sure they do but that's how it is for me. It's like doing something that you can both enjoy just to see that look of happiness and joy on there face. To me that makes me so happy my heart, I think, skips a beat. I don't know if it really does but it feels like it. Any way back on topic. Sex is something I've done when I've loved but its not when I most feel love. No that would be when I hold someone or they let me. I know it's a simple thing but there aren't really many people who would just let me be that close. There have as I've said been people who let me and like I said I've been having to rethink how I feel about that. Those are the moment I enjoy the most that I feel most wanted. However, like I said that can be with just a friend and not out of love for that there is one moment. It may to most not seem like much but to me it's the moment I know you have my heart fully in your grasp and I would do anything you asked of me. It's only happened with three people in my life and I never know how long it'll take in a relationship for it to happen but once it does I'll never feel anything else for you but love and will get that feeling of heart stopping joy at just seeing you happy. That moment is when you stop struggling and return my full affection. Yes there are other times when that may seem like what's happening. We may share our affection in a way that while yes they are special they don't get me past a point of protective caring. Keep in mind I'm not trying to say they do nothing I do like doing things like hand holding, hugs and kisses but there's one thing that I do with no one but someone I think I love and if it happens right, then yes to me it is love. That is when I hold them in my arms and start kissing them  and they start to squirm all over while I'm holding them close. I do this from time to time but it's not until that moment they stop squirming, hold me back and return the kiss that it happens. At that moment to me my feelings for them will never change again. Love is all I will ever feel when I see or think of them, heart stopping chest pounding love. Even if, as they've all done, they leave. I know thinking of them as never more then closer than normal friends is unfair I love them, I always will and there will always be a big place in my heart and life still there for them if they want it back, but if I think of them in any other way it saddens me that they aren't here. Yes as I've said it has happened three time now. How could I love three people and still think of them all with that kind of feeling? Well I didn't know ether tell I met JR and she explained how. It is in a way polyamory and so now knowing and looking back its clearer and I know there's nothing really wrong with still feeling this way about people from your past. Like I said if I saw them again I don't think it would feel like any time had passed. I would still care for them as I  have but that doesn't mean I wouldn't need to get to know them again. I do have respect for a situation and can act as appropriately as they or anyone else can.

The "friends zone" isn't half bad with the right friend

Okay so more on that first love. Aside from knowing each other and it taking us over three years to act on it it's a lot like me and JRs story. What made it even possible, how it got there, what the first step was and the first moments we admitted and acted on our feelings for each other. So I have a type. Not like I see someone and they're hot and I just want them. No this goes more the  'you're my other half' path. I can look at someone. Anyone really and see pretty features but that doesn't change the result of whether I'm going to make friends with them and like them or not. If I don't then I don't. If I do then I do. Looks won't affect how I act with you, how you act will affect how I act with you. There are a few things people do I can't stand and some people do them without thinking about it. Those are the things that I look at more than anything. It's the things you control but do not of your own accord that say the most about you to me. Well that's what makes people friends to me or not.


 Well I was removed from school for a fight I may expand on later and was home schooled from then on. We move shortly after out of the city and to the country and started a small ranch. Now to most country and small ranch may bring to mind the movies where little miss sunshine goes for a stroll and waves hi to all the neighbors and they wave back as she passes by on her way into town. Yeah that doesn't happen. There are no foot paths for walking just a few roads that see to much traffic. A walk to town would take half the day. There aren't that many people out here and those that there are, while nice and often friendly in passing, move out here to get away from running into random people. It was/is lonely as you can imagine. Well before moving I had been in the Boy Scouts so I got to keep going to that once a week. It was my only interaction with people so that would be why I started getting so close. Well at 14 I started venturing its the next step in scouting and it's for boys and girls. Tell now it had been a few years since I had gotten to know a girl. Not since being taken out of school three years ago had I even really spent time around them and that probably had something to do with why I treated them like I did the guys. Fast forward three years. I was at this point getting, to be one of the older scouts, so I had to start helping teach the new ones thing, tents, packs, badges and the like. I was good at teaching and helping other people learn since I had been doing it with my siblings for homeschooling. I even started helping with non scouting things like reading, math and other schooling. Well in the crew with, that's the venturing part of scouts, one of the girls was having trouble with school. Really it was the math things just weren't clicking for her so "hey think you could help me out with this". Looking back I think that was a setup like the "hey if you beat me I'll buy you dinner" I used just to spend more time alone together. Well I did help her out and she did just fine, thanked me and asked if she had any more trouble if she could ask again come to think of it that's the same thing JR and I said. Sure why not I thought I was just being nice and I was. She was fun and we like a lot of the same things so we always had something to do to pass the time after she got the work done. Well this went on for months. Meetings were after school once every other week for a couple hours so people often brought their homework and books for the time after all the talking and planing for camping trips and stuff was over. So once every other week after the meetings we would end up in our own little corner on the floor laid out or sitting next to each other going over her books. This went on for maybe a year of school so heck yeah I thought it was just us being friendly. After awhile other people join in and it was like a little study group. One of us might be better at something than the others and we'd explain it. She said she wasn't really getting as much out of it as she had been and that she was starting something else I can't recall what but asked if I could come over and help her get the hang of it. Again we were all doing it so it made that the norm for me. Well okay we were friends now and that's something friends do right?  Well I got dropped off and we went into the living room kicked off our shoes and had a seat on the floor by the couch. It may seem inappropriate now but she was more in my lap than on the floor. God was I a dunce or just to nice or what? Well we did the homework I called and my parents came to pick me back up. They got there, her mother thanked me for coming over and helping her out. She gave me a hug, something all the people in the crew did, and I left. After the next crew meeting "hey I'm still having some trouble could you come over again?". We were sitting there her in my lay the book in hers and me looking over her shoulder. Still something I like to do with people, just look over their shoulder and watch. This time was much as the first but ended a little differently. We had been over pages talking and explaining things out so we understood it all. We had been doing this for hours now. We'd read a page shed turn in my lap we talked then on to the next and I and on it went. She was the youngest sister and one of her others were always around. I think they were supposed to be keeping an eye on us. I don't know I you g nice and clearly blind to the ways of life. Well the sister that was there got bored so got on the phone and left the room. This is where I it went way differently than the last time. We finished the page she turned again we talked she said it made sense then kisses me. Not a peck on the cheek ether it was a kiss. I mean I liked her it was really a lot like JR and I started just close friends a lot in common helping out and never thinking of it like that. I never saw it coming. No build up no starting slow with a peck on the cheek no asking to try it out like JR asked her girl just straight to the point. After more than a year of just friends hugs and comfy cozy just close friends sitting WTF was that. I didn't really say that but you get the point. I'm sure it was written all over my face to. "Oh my god. You didn't know I liked you?" she asks?

I just want everything to work out.

So I went ahead and sent JR a voice mail earlier. I explained how sorry I was and that I wasn't really unhappy with her or how things have been or even that it's ended so much as everything that I've been going through and how I acted. I know it wasn't fair to her and I hope she's doing okay. I don't want to leave things this way or at least like we did. I just kinda thought after all we've learned about ourselves. We've learned so much about each other you'd think it would be easier to stay friends. I hope she listens to it and can feel the same as I do at some point. For me and the way I see things it's clear to me that I don't want things to be like they are with the other people in my life. I think if we can still be friends then  I would like that.  It'll be different but what about this hasn't been so far? I know she's gay but that doesn't really matter to me and its not just now after getting to be this close and talking every day. It didn't matter before ether. I knew she had a girlfriend before we started and at that time I just thought of her as gay. I know other people that aren't straight and we've been friends for years now. Before the dating started I was just happy to have made a friend who I could just be close to and talk with like we had been.

Thoughts about my sexuality as an observer

Well eight months since I met JR and it's been an amazing time for thinking and growing. I guess this post will be about the very long thoughts and talks I've had on sexuality since I met JR and even more thinking since she ended it. So I'll come right out and say it I'm a Polyamorous Dimisexual at the least. I'm also, after a lot of thinking, looking at whether I could be Polysexual or am still as I've always thought Heterosexual but you'll see why I'm asking myself that soon. First I've really been thinking about this Polyamory thing since I met JR she at the time related as a polyamorous dimi-pansexual but is now Homosexual and figuring out the rest. It kind of started for me when she asked how I felt about dating her and her having a girlfriend. Well I knew she had the girlfriend so hadn't thought of trying anything out after that. Well I've been in a polyamorous relationship with her for the past six months and I've loved every second of it, but first Dimi. I had to look at the way I've been, not just in the time I've spent with JR but for about, the last fifteen or so years. It makes perfect sense to me and makes thing both about the past very clear and the future a little gray. I'm going to have to wait and see if I'm more Biromanticl and/or Asexual just okay with being in a polyamorous relationship for the right person or keep it simple as poly-dimi. I've been in a Polyamorous relationship for the last six months and I've absolutely loved it so there's that. Now for polyamorous. To state this is what I think of as a Polyamorous relationship. Now I was really thinking I could have been really happy like that but it's over and it sucks we can't even really talk, but I was an ass at the end so I'll have to work on that. I'm more sure now than I ever was during the relationship that I'm Polyamorous. Now first I need to tell my thinking about this. I wasn't really sure I was tell about a month ago when I went up to see JR at her school. I met her girlfriend and saw how they acted with each other and saw the love they felt for each other and it made me so happy. I've known they were a couple and did more than just what I'd see but it made me happy and still does knowing that even when I wasn't around for her JR had someone like that. I had told her that and was ready to tell her that I was sure I was Polyamorous Dimisexual. I was sure and ready to say so but I never could get the nerve. Just kept telling myself it doesn't matter. I had never been in a relationship like this and was afraid of saying something to change it. Then she ended it. I thought about telling her then but I was still thinking about whether I could be what she wanted or not. I did know beyond a doubt I was just scared of changing things. I'm still working on polysexual or heterosexual. The first person I told a couple days ago laughed their ass off. Nearly got it kicked to if they hadn't said that they were just laughing because it made sense and they understood. It was also over the phone so yeah. I didn't think being Poly or Dimi really mattered tell after going to see JR at her collage. I so rarely meet one person I feel like this about how could there really be more than one in such a short time? Then I met some of the Hollins girls and they were all so nice and fun and had so much to talk about. If there really other people as much fun to be around as JR then well who knows? It was like being around all the guys from camp with the laughing and joking and talking about anything but when they talked about this stuff they meant it. So does it really change anything about me? Not really. Looking back it's how I've always been and now I can work on things with it in mind. If there is more than one person at a time are they okay with it? Or if I just want to be close to a person or some people in a non sexual way and every one is happy does it matter? That's the question I've been thinking about and the one I'll have to ask if I ever want to have a more intimate relationship in the future. Since I met JR it just makes my life less confusing and caring or being close easier. Thinking that was how we were and we were all happy made my heart sing. It also made me start thinking about whether there where other things I should be thinking about like the Heterosexual thing. I think I could be I don't know if I am I've only ever thought about sex as something I would do with a girl. I have gay and bi friends and over the years they have been some of the most open and fun to be around. I guess that's one thing I'll be needing to keep thinking about. When I talk about it with my friends.


Now to explain some of what I've been thinking about since this with JR and I ended.

JR was very open when talking about sexuality and every thing else. We covered so many topics and were so open with each other from the very beginning. I think that had something to do with why we tried dating. Here's the first thing. So long as you don't act like an absolute ass the first time I meet you or to someone I already think of as a friend, then the odds are I won't dislike you. If that happens then I'll keep talking with you and then you have gained a long lasting friend. I will talk with you if you're around plus help and be there for you if you need it no matter what it is. If I can I will. If you aren't my friend though and you hurt one I will take your head off and I won't give a damn who you think you are. I'm a very protective person not possessive just protective. This is well known to those who have known me long enough to see it tested.


So to me why does knowing I'm Poly-Dimi matter if it doesn't change me or my relationship(s)? Well truth be told I don't think it does change my relationship(s) much. I'm going to be working on building my friendships over the next year so I'll be keeping this in mind as I do. If it does then it's, I hope, that it makes it easier to be respectful and caring for the people I look at as close. On the other hand though it means that maybe finding that life long relationship every one is looking for will be fuzzy.

Well looking back and thinking about my life really made it easy to see. All the pieces fell into place all the things I've see, done and felt.

Yeah but how can you really be sure you're Poly-dimi?
 
Well aside from the six month relationship. There's the past 20 years of my life I've been thinking about. There's my outlook on other people and their bodies, sex, relationships , attraction, porn, masturbation, the fact I can be intimate both in an emotional and sensual way with others without it changing the way I feel about them or them me. I don't care about sex. It's something I was never really uncomfortable talking about and has always been a popular topic with both JR and my friends. Yes I've had it but it's not something I can see myself just going out and doing with anyone. I've only done it a few time but it was always completely out of love and respect for each other as a couple. It's not something I would ever force on or demand from a relationship of any kind. Also I've slept with both guys and girls, not had sex with but slept with and held when they asked or needed for it. It also never changes things. I've told JR a few of these stories and we laughed at some of these things and the trouble it could've gotten me into. I'll tell more one this later. That's a big part of being my friend. If you earn that friendship it means I'm always going to be there for you. It doesn't matter if we don't see or talk for a few days or for years I'll still be there just as it was. If I took a shine to you years ago then stopped talking and we never saw each other again tell now I would still walk up and give you a hug. This is what I've been trying to do these last few days is reconnect. Just being there is a big part of being my friend. I'll be there for anything you need if I can be. Be it a fight, help moving, some one to talk to or someone to rub your back while you cry or hold you while you sleep anything I can anyway it's needed. That friendship earns you almost anything you need from me no matter how weird it may seem to any one else. I didn't think there was anything out of the normal with it tell now. I think that's what really lead to the oddly close but still distant friendship things I have and am working on changing, and to all these thoughts I've been having. I've said it to friends before "I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't feel things the way every one else does". I really didn't. Not tell I met JR. I don't judge or discriminate, if I don't dislike you you're my friend that's all I'll see and that's what you get. Be you guy, girl, gay, straight, bi, black, white, young, old, scared, disfigured, thin, thick, tall, short the perfect nerd, the perfect athlete or any other way you may see yourself. I only started thinking about this as my sexuality after meeting JR. It's one of the things we talked about when we were still just friends out at camp and while we were dating. I am a Polyamorous Dimisexual and I can be close to anyone I feel comfortable with.

I need to work on everything

So I know I've been talking about JR and I not being boyfriend and girlfriend now and that I get that. She's gay and we can't be more than what we have been which is really good friends. I see now and I've explained that I didn't feel we were trying to be more and so has she. I know that makes me sound like an ass but if you think about it. About what I've said and about what she's said I think that's all we really needed at the time and we just kind of wanted it to be more. We tried to be more than just friends but we weren't and if you look at what's been said all throughout you can see that. She never felt that urge and I never pushed ether. Maybe I was just being nice and it's not that I never thought about her like that even once cause I did and we talked about it. We just never moved on it. I just never tried to act on it. I guess in that way I'm like most other guy when we're around girls we're close to. We both have a lot of shit we're going through and just really need people to talk to and that's almost all we ever did was talk. I mean we talked from time to time for hours just laughing and joking and that was great. She comes down here to visit her family but they are having some trouble in how they're getting along. Looking at it this way maybe what we both needed was an escape from it all and that's what we were for each other. The dates got us out of the houses and just gave us some fun things to do and someone who knew what the other was going through to be with. Like I've been saying its been along time since I've had someone to go do things with like that and to just get away from it all with. Yeah that sounds a lot like what being a couple is but it also sounds like what best friends are for and I think that's what we needed then. I think we still do. From her last blog post it sounds like she really needs people to talk to and escape with. I do to and I see that now. That I'm not upset with her and I never really was it was all just to much for me to deal with right then alone and it still is. We've told each other everything that we've been going through and have talked about it throughout our time together so we do both know. I told her when she was telling me she was gay that it had been a really shit day. I didn't tell her why it was just that it was. I didn't tell her about the fight I had just gotten into with my sister that nearly came to blows or the debt my family is in from medical bills and me still not being able to find a job to help pay them with. I didn't tell her about my dads cancer. That the chemo isn't working the way it should. I did say that they stopped it and he was going to need another surgery but not that he was told to get his affairs in order and I had just found out after the fight with my sister. Those are all things I still need to talk to someone about and that's what I've been looking for for the last week since she came out to me. I've been looking for another friend to share these things with. We're both going through really hard times and it's all more than any one person should have to go through alone. If she's willing to talk to me still I think I'm going to try explaining this to her and see if we can't still do this for each other. She really is the closest person I've been to in along time and I still feel she is. I'm working on that and trying to talk to other people but that's just adding to the stresses I'm going through right now. I know that things are bad for us both but that was no reason to put it all on her like I did. I know if things don't start going better or at least improve soon that for me they're only going to get worse. So I need to keep working on building stronger friendships with the people who I thought they were strong with. Well it feels good getting all this off my chest now and I am going to keep trying to work out these friendship thing I have. Both with her and others.

So I don't have normal relationships

So about my 'friends'. I don't have what people would call normal relationships with the people I call friends. It's not that I don't have people I call friends it's just that we aren't in the normal sense of the word. When I say friend what comes to mind? Is it someone you can call when you're down to cheer you up? Is it someone you can go hangout with to have a good time? Well I don't have this with people and I haven't in a really long time. Most of my friendships I gained through my time working for the Boy Scouts. They are strong and lasting but not close per se.  The friendships go back and forth from close to distant and back again. We don't talk during the off season except for special occasions like birthdays weddings and things like that. Nothing like what I've been doing. I'm working on that now but it's going to and take a lot of hard work and time. The time we spend together is out at the camp this is also if you fallow her blog where I met JR. Out there we live together for months at a time spending almost all of it together. We live work eat relax see and talk with each other all day every day and no that's not an exaggeration. We become closer than what is normal to outside observers. For any one who has never spent time like this with somebody it's not going to make a lot of sense. You might think, oh like roommates? No, it's so much more than that. You become like family and I mean that in a very real way. I've been doing this for years now as have a few others and those are the ones I've been trying to talk to. We laugh joke talk and often just act goofy but for this time we are close. As close in fact as I have been with JR and yes I've talked to her about this. some of the things we do would fall under overly close. Nothing to the point of being in a relationship but still overly close. I'll talk more about that later though for now good bye and good night

word voming my realization

okay this is the fourth time I've tried to write this but its just not coming out right I keep trying to explain it in this way and that and not make it sound mean I know I've already hurt her. I know she knows I don't mean it to be and I'll explain it in detail later but for now I'm doing something I learned from her called word vomiting it's writing with no going back and editing thing. It's hard for me cause I'm used to thinking about everything before I say anything but lets get straight to point and that is the question that lead to the realization for me. were we ever really more than special friends? I know, I said I know that that would sound like I'm being an ass but I don't mean it like that. I'm saying when I look at it now as special as that time was and is to me as amazing and wonderful as she is that when I look back I can see where the line was drawn for the both of us. looking at it like that put forth a lot of thoughts and those are what I talked with a friend about yesterday. we went to dinner and talked for hours and by the end of it we had it figured out for the most part. the thoughts are going to be ready for reading in a few days so I hope if anyone reads this they know what she and I really did the months we were together. this is really just to say that it's the talking I miss I still care the same and its the loss of the closest person I've been to in a long time that's hard but not talking is what has been hardest if this makes any sense If not I'll explain it better later but I have to go again now just said I would finish writing this first

A realization that it's caring thats hurting

I'm so excited right now. It's all so clear to me. How could I have not figured this out sooner? For a couple days now I've been fallowing the advice given me by several people. Some I know others I don't, but I want to thank them all. Okay so not going to rush in and just say that I can't be wrong here. I could very well be but I'm very happy right now. Happy isn't the right word I know but it's the closest I have right now. I'll explain in the next few posts what has me smiling even though I still feel the hurt I have for almost a week. It may take a few days to get it all down in writing but that's a good thing. Really I want to just go tell her what I'm thinking so she can think about it to but she's asked me to give her some time and space and I said I would so writing it first will do that. It also gives me the chance as I'm writing it to think about it some more just to be sure. I'll have to fill out some of the things I've said I would in the first post for any one new reading this to get every thing that brought me to this point. As she knows most of what I need to add for this to make sense and has as I've said a blog of her own that has every thing from the beginning to the end there will be an abridged highlights version up some time tomorrow for her, if she reads this, and for any one else who has read her blog from the beginning. The filler and the few things I've been thinking about that helped get me here that she doesn't know are already half written and just need some rearranging for me to be sure this is how and why I am, and have been, having these feelings.We'll see in the morning, but for now I'm exhausted so good night.

It all starts at the end

Okay before I get started whether you stumbled in or were looking you're welcome to stay. What I'm saying in this blog is what's going through my mind right now. A lot of it to me is conflicting I know it not perfect its just to get it out. This is my first try at working through a break up with out the girls input being a part of it. It was suggested on sites and to me after someone reading her blog and our comments said to try it. If so many people think it can help then what can it hurt, right?

Well from the site I was on before starting this I need to set a time table. It's suggested that for the first few days or first week at the outside, to pour it all out as I need. After that start shaving more time off tell I feel I no longer need to do this or can just talk to people instead. I don't want to overwhelm anyone reading this, but I'm not sure where to start. I'm writing this more just to get it out, for other people to know. Be it strangers or friends I send it to. So if they think they can, talk. I tried talking to her but I'm only ruining that chance we have to stay friends. It's only making it worse for her. This is hard, it all just wants to come out at once. I need to talk, need to understand and feel what I feel. It's over I get that and it hurt, so at the end with how I'm feeling right now seems as good a place as any for an anchoring point.


At first I thought I was just worried because I care for her.  I am and I do, but that wasn't all. I think I'm feeling depressed at the moment. I'm able to realize that and have been able to since she and I talked on the phone a few nights ago. It's getting better and the phone call really helped. It started me working it out. I'm still checking in on her, and I know that's something a lot of people see as a bad thing I feel differently though. The reason they give is that it's what leads to the depression and darker thoughts. To be honest knowing she has a world of support and is happy is the only thing shining a light in those corners and keeping all that bad dark stuff away. Any way that's what's helping me and I'm sure I'll have more to say on it later.


The 'end' really started a few days before those thoughts or any of this, with my girlfriend coming out to me as wholly gay. No I didn't turn a straight girl gay. I just happen to be one of the people dating her when she realized she couldn't be THAT way with a guy. Yes, you read right one, of two. She has a girlfriend, and they have been together since well before she and I. They still are to. Yes I knew before the two of us started dating. So no it's really and truly not her fault or any ones I'm feeling this way. It did came as more of a shock than I thought it would have. After all, I knew this was possible right? For the first few hours I was taking it okay trying to be understanding. It was a good hour long supportive and understanding exchange before I said I just had to stop for now and we said okay but we would keep talking tomorrow.


I really wish I had stopped there and had called someone and said what I'm saying now but couldn't. The relationships I have with my friends isn't really normal but I'll talk about that later. I tried to say it to my family but I just couldn't. I didn't talk at all and instead just kept going over every thing we had ever said and done in my head. From the last few days of camp on how we were feeling or going to talk and just going to go about it. To all the time we'd been spending together over how we had been acting and then finally the few hours after hearing it was over before I had started having these thoughts. Just over and over. I was shocked and confused. I didn't sleep that night I just spent the whole time thinking. I started obsessing on things that were said. They weren't mean things, but they were giving me a sense of being betrayed, lied to and cheated.This persisted tell I broke down early the next morning and sent some messages to her, and even one to her girlfriend. Her girlfriend and I have only talked a little and aren't really close at all or anything but like I said I was confused, obsessed and it was getting to me. I was asking her to rethink it to try some more and down right begging to talk about it before ending it.


It was unfair, hurtful and exactly what I said I wouldn't do when she told me. I can see that now but it's to late what I've done is done. Well it was another night and two days without sleep but we did end up talking. I had tried again to talk to the family but every time I tried it felt like I was having a panic attack. The talk with her on the other hand didn't even choke me up. It helped more than anything else had or has. Aside from not being able to focus likely do to the near 70 hours awake, it was good and by the end she had even gotten me laughing a bit about how I was feeling. It was a lot like before another hour or so long, supportive and understanding exchange.



The first thing we talked about was if she had read or thought about the messages I had sent and why we weren't talking. She told me what ever I sent or send she'd gotten/gets, but that she needed time and just couldn't think of what to say back or keep talking to me about it yet. I thought I understood. I was wrong and since then have only made things worse. Next we talked about why she hadn't talked to me like we had agreed to do in the beginning. Like she had been blogging we were. That if she or I were having doubts about us and staying together we would tell the other talk it out and go from there. I asked why wasn't she willing to talk about it even now. like I said making things worse. We had been talking and I had been reading her blog while we were dating but there was nothing about anything like this. Well her answer makes sense to me and she was and is right. I'm still really confused and have a lot of questions. Not about getting back together but about what to do now.


 Hmm I believe this is a good start. Hell I'm smiling and about ready to laughing a little right now and I'm not sure why. Saying it's made a difference I guess. Tell next time thank you friends or whoever for listening.