I just want to leave it all behind.

I'm just so tired of all this. All I'm getting in regards to trying to talk to any one about anything is shit. I don't often need anyone but I'm tired of being like this. I've been this way for years and I hate it. I try going out getting to know people. I try and I try and I try. What the fuck is the point? All I'm good for is making other people happy for a while then when it comes to me fuck it. Not that anyone cares I just want someone to talk with. Someone to spend a few minutes talking with and to understand. Am I asking to much? I tried talking to people, friends, family anyone I thought would be there when I needed them and you know what I got. "Quit bitching," "Get your shit together," "Suck it up,". Great talk right. No your not alone we care . That's coming from the same people. Making others happy makes me happy but knowing nobody else gives a shit in return. I just want away. I've said life would be easier if I didn't care, if I were an asshole. Well every one already thinks I am so what the hell's left? I don't know if I can go through years of this again. I'm trying but there is no one here to help me. I'm trying to get away or find other ways to get by but I can't do it alone and I don't want to. I say that and others say I have 'issues'. I say that and I'm seen as worthless. Hell I agree, if all I'm good for is making others happy and being treated like trash after then what am I worth? I've been thinking again and I can't stop. I want to get away and be happy but all I get is screwed over. I'm so fucking tired of going through this. I know what I sound like but can anyone say I'm wrong? The people I love and care about the ones who say they love and care for me back act like this and I can't get away. I'm trying again to get away but if I can't I don't know what else to do.

Peope really don't listen.

So I was having a pretty good day things were looking up. The dad had another doctor consult and they have a new plan that they say has a CHANCE of giving him more time. I go in tomorrow to do some paper work for the Marines.  I'm starting to get out more I had a good day so was trying to figure out what every one's up to, to make plans. I made a few calls got some "maybe let me call you back". Okay I got some time. I got online checked out facebook, hit the support groups site. Then did something I haven't done in a few days. I checked her blog. Well that shot the day to hell. I feel like a bastard all over again. She's such a sweet girl and I. I hurt her and almost cost her so much. I didn't think before I did things like I should have, and it tares me apart knowing I hurt her. I just want to say how sorry I am so bad but that would just make things worse. On top of all that some one from the support group has been telling her things. She in turn got worried and told a family member of mine. That is not why I went to the support group damn it. I didn't want them to worry. No body fucking listens to me. Does no one get that, that is what I hate. It's what I hate about myself right now and what I am trying to change. Saying one thing, hearing it and still, doing what ever the hell they want or think is best. I did it and hurt her. I know this and I'm trying to change. I stopped bugging her and I'm trying to leave others out of this shit it's mine to deal with now. I should never have tried to find help. Now everyone I didn't want to know knows and fuck I'm damned if I do damned if I don't. I'm better I have other things to do now I'm working things out I'm moving on and then this. This one really is everyone not listening. I thought I was just being a kind of normal guy thinking people aren't listening but I said "I don't want them knowing so they wont worry." This is just not what I was hoping for when I tried to get help and talk to people.

I'm the worst kind of person

Well I'm done and I need to change. I was right about it all. She had thought about every thing it was unfair and I was ruining everything. I was hurting her and those she cares about. There's no reason for everyone not to be pissed at me. No reason for them to try to understand. Even after hurting her she still helps me realize things. She is right and I've said that to her often since I met her. She was also wrong in a few of the nicest things she or anyone has ever said to me. I've told her that to. She said I was a great guy in so many ways but I'm not and when that was who she needed me to be I wasn't. I new that but I think I needed to see that for myself. I read her blog and yes it was as I thought I hurt her. Man what a guy right. Sweetest girl in the world and she had to meet me. I AM A BASTARD. I never looked at or sew what I did as such but I do now and it makes me sick. She's better off seeing it that way to. Not knowing things. God I'm still doing it to. Still not telling her the truth. They're all here for anyone to read. The truths, excuses all of it. They make no difference anyway they don't change what's been done. She is still amazing but she doesn't deserve a piece of shit like me in her life. No one does. Not like I am right now. My life has always been an act just doing what I though other people wanted. They and I both thought I wasn't to bad. Doing things for others before myself. It was just an act though just like what I've been doing these last couple weeks. Every word out of my mouth has been a lie. true or not how I said it was what made it a lie. I've even said it here "I do have respect for a situation and can act as appropriately as they or anyone else can." It's all an act and nobody deserves to have to take part in it. I'm a worthless bastard and every one should know it. At least someone does now. Maybe they all do and that's why I can't get closer to them. I've hurt in one way or another every one I've ever even said I cared about. They might never have known or ever know it but I do and I see that now. I've been making excuses about how I've been acting. I've been selfish and hurtful in all of it. I don't deserve the luxury of excuses. Even killing myself was just going to be another selfish thing. I don't deserve it that easy. I don't deserve to have people care if I die or kill myself. Not right now after how I've been. I see that now and that choice is just to good for what I've done to every one I cared about. It's time to start acting again. To be the person every one though that I was. Maybe then I will deserve some of what I've been given. I can't even be hurt about it cause it's all true. What she and everyone has said. What I've said here even backs them up. I know I've said I was a hypocrite and an ass but I'm worse than that. I'm what even I have come to hate. There is only one thing in this world I truly hate and I can see it in myself right now. I'm a lie.

More of a nightmare really

So I had my first dream in a couple week last night. Yes she was there but no it wasn't about her it was about every one. All the people from my life that I ever felt close to or just shared a good time with. They were all there laughing eating and joking having a good time with each other. I was there to but it more greatly reflected my feelings these last weeks. I was there but not a part of it. Every one was talking but to one another not to me. I couldn't talk to them. All I could do is sit and watch as they had there laughs around me. I should have been happy every one was there but when I woke up I was sweating and had that fevered feel of being cold even though it was warm. Maybe that's what I deserve. Not to be cared about. Everyone who's tried I've distanced myself from or gone over board on. Friends family and those I found special. They are there I just don't ask them for the support they are willing to give. I never have. I've never been able to depend or rely on others for support or to come through when I ask them. Never without them leaving when I needed them. My closest friends the ones I used to go and hangout with have all passed away or the ones that haven't have all moved out of state and out of my life these last few years. Not that any of them would have listened to me any better then those I'm talking to now. It's clear from what people keep telling me that they aren't listening to what I'm saying. Those I know could and would won't talk to me or I can't get in touch with them. Perhaps that's why I can't open up to people and form those natural bond that others do. I do try every few years when I think 'they will be the exception' and this is how it ends every time. You think I'd learn. I do this to myself I bring it down on myself and so I guess I deserve to be going through it by myself just like every thing else I've ever done. I really don't have much good to look forward to. More deaths are coming soon sadness and back to being lonely. Just like the last few years. I don't want to go through that again. Not for more years on end but I don't think I can go through loosing a close friend again ether. That is what this is isn't it? That's what it feels like at least and I guess it scares me. Now here I am getting railed on about trying to keep dating JR. Said she read this blog and thinks it's clear that's all I want . No and if she were her friend and talked to her about it then she would know I ask to talk about us being friends. or that her being gay doesn't mean I don't want to have anything to do with her. I'm not like those people who avoid someone for what makes them different or special. That's actually I think what draws me to being there friends is that they ask and listen to what I think makes someone special. Then they tell me what there thoughts are on what they feel makes someone special. I don't want to think I'll never find someone who I can do that with that won't leave in the end but it just keeps happening. They've all in the past started out as good friends tell we tried to be more and failed. I want to still be their friends like we were before we tried more but it all ends the same. What suck is that if we hadn't tried we would have stayed close. We've had so much in common that we could talk about anything at all and have a story to tell. Why do I have to be so stupid. Maybe I'm not supposed to have more than just a friend. That would explain so much to.

So I said what I've said here in the support group and heard back pretty quickly. That while I'm not going about it wrong just to quickly for others to understand it. I do hear what people are saying and that I am hurting the people I'm trying to turn to for help. I think some of what was said makes sense. I do want to deal with everything all at the same time but others can't do it that way. So some of it I need to put on hold while I work through others now. Things I can work on now are getting all the cars back in good running order finding a job talking about the darker thoughts and helping with being there for the family. I get this and I'll try it this way. I do really want to stay friends and go back to talking about things like I had been and I hope JR comes around to being ready sooner rather than later but she doesn't see things like I do so needs more time and space before that can happen. She'll be there when we are both ready. The family issues, the bill and saying good bye can wait a little longer to. I do have a lot to do and deal with I just need to do things in a different order and at different times so others can help when they are ready as well.

I'm just going in circles.

Okay the whole spread it out thing isn't working. Her friend just got on saying I said she lied to me. No she didn't it was just in that moment that I focused in not having talked about it. THAT is what I said and told her. That I'm guilt tripping her. We aren't going to be a couple ever again I get that I'm asking for someone to talk with. This is the shit I'm NOT sending to her I've been trying to deal with it. To deal with each problem in the area of my life it affects that's not working. So lets try putting it all in one place so people don't give me shit over why I'm taking things hard. It really did all happen at once and that breaking point of mine people have been waiting to see was hit in one day. The first was car troubles then the call about not getting the jobs. Then came the bills in the mail and a fight with the family and finding out sis was pregnant again. The parents got home and announced the chemo isn't working time to start the good byes and of course what I've been talking about here most JR. I was about to try to talk to her when she said she had been having a rough day to I wanted to hear her so it wouldn't sound so be after mine but then well you know the story now. So really how much is one person supposed to take? I'm trying to deal and not throw it all in peoples faces. The easy one to fix are vehicles. I'm keeping the cars going but I'm not a mechanic. I'm just the only one in the family that knows how to work on them. Then the jobs. I'm filling out applications and trying to get interviews. Now the girl troubles. I'm trying to work out any hard feelings so everyone can stop thinking about them like I'm trying to get back together and can move to the next issue but that's not happening. Then the family things I'm working on with the family trying to be with them through it all and to say my good byes but the thoughts of just giving up are still there. I was told after my pleas for attention to try getting help and I have. They say to try writing like a blog or something then working through each issue one at a time with those involved and that's what I've been trying to do but no one involved wants to talk about any of it. With the family they're going through it to so don't want to hear about my issues. Friends have helped some but they've never had all this shit at once so when I break down and spill the just say talk to so and so or yeah you got issues find someone and somewhere else to deal with them. JR is getting stressed out with my wanting to talk and her friend says I'm trying to guilt trip her. No I really was just trying to talk with a friend who has helped keep this all at bay as it came tell now. The suicide support group and this blog are the only places I can get this out and get anything back good or bad. No one seems to see I am trying no one wants to listen and it's because one by one these problem aren't so bad but they didn't come one at a time. I'm reaching but this is all I'm finding this blog and the group and that's not enough. I can't get one on one help. There's non around out here and what's in the nearest city I can't pay for. Why can't anyone listen and talk with me. I'm just going in circles and everyone just keeps say the same thing. Deal with it yourself somewhere else cause we can't, so we don't want to hear about it.

I'm so confused.

So it's been about five and a half years tell now since my last relationship ended. I just got out of a six month Polyamorous relationship with a girl we'll call JR. It's really that I'm never upset with her or anyone about it and I don't know why. I'm just being left really confused. When we met I fell for her hard I thought and still think she's an awesome girl is that normal? After getting to know her and become good friends I found out (without her knowledge) through a friend of mine that she had a girlfriend and so of course thought she was just gay. This was and is fine with me I just stopped thinking we could be anything but friends like we had been. I didn't confront her about this or anything if she wanted me to know she would tell me and she did. Well after a few more weeks of an absolutely amazing friendship she came out to me, but not as gay, rather more Polyamorous Demi-Pansexual and with feelings for me. This is were I start getting confused. Now I had always and at that time thought of myself as your run of the mill open minded non judgmental Heterosexual male. Looking back at how awkwardly close I've been with people though both male and female. Including showering together and even sleeping with them when asked. Not sex just comfortable sleeping. I'm not so sure any more and am kind of needing to talk about that as I'm now having to think 'something has to be wrong with that'. I'm not a virgin and my last girlfriend after knowing each other for a few years and a little over a year of dating did become sexually active. Back to JR now she at the time was a 'Polyamorous Demi-Pansexual'. After six month of dating she called it off siting that she was, in fact, gay. While she said she liked all the fun we had and how comfortable we were she could just never see us moving forward. Also that she didn't want me to miss the chance to find something better for myself just because she was in the picture. She knows it took five years to meet her how can she think that? Or that I could have found someone else I even might of liked in six months? We had talked about sex and if it EVER happened it would be up to, and as much for, her. That nothing makes me happier than just being near and seeing the people I love happy. I just feel everything I've said to her the last eight months has been thrown out the window. So here it is the four questions I'm left asking. Why can't/aren't I mad or upset with her for any of this? If this is what it's like to love some one why bother with the thoughts of it being more? On the note of rethinking my sexuality which the topic of sexuality was one thing she and I talked about a lot am I biromantic-Asexual? Finally why can't she talk to me about any of this?